weird

WEIRD

Teeny Excerpt from New Tab By Guillaume Morissette

You know when you read something and you're like Oh-eM-Gee I totally feel this? Well, that's how I felt reading this excerpt from New Tab, which I found here. I am now going to go buy the thing.

Anywho, I Snagit-ed this excerpt from the excerpt I found online because this Snagit-ed excerpt particularly stuck to my ribs. Some people call it the feels, some call it existential despair, Louis C.K. calls it that forever empty. This character calls it reality (reality that is "inside every raccoon," hehe). But, seriously. The feels, man. Not cool. At least the character understands? This is why I love fiction.

So, here's the excerpt. Please also buy the book, thank-you. 

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ART, MUSIC

An incomplete compendium of food-related rap lyrics listed alphabetically by food type

Alcohol:

 

  •  Dolce. Lyric: "And you do dinners at French Laundry in Napa Valley / Scallops and glasses of Dolce, that shit's right up your alley."

    Drake, "The Ride," (Take Care, 2011)

 

 

 

Appetizers:

 

 

Bread:

  • Matzo, challah bread. Lyric: "Oops, gotcha, clutch like Piazza / Sneak between the sheets so hide the matzo / Holler back challah bread...next."

    Beastie Boys, "3 the Hard Way," (To the 5 Boroughs, 2004)

 

Breakfast:

  • Cocoa puffs. Lyric: "Then there was Pebbles, times was rough / She was turning Trix, to get a Cocoa Puff."

    LL Cool J, "Milky Cereal," (Mama Said Knock You Out, 1990)

 

 

  • Ham and eggs. Lyric: "I don't eat no ham and eggs, 'cause they're high in cholesterol / Ayo, Phife do you eat 'em? No, Tip do you eat 'em? / Uh-uh, not at all."

    A Tribe Called Quest, "Ham 'N' Eggs," (People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm, 1990)

 

Desserts:

 

  • Donuts. Lyric: "You scream I'm lazy, you must be crazy / Thought I was a donut, you tried to glaze me."

    Rakim, "Eric B. Is President," (Paid in Full, 1987)

 

 

  • Milkshake. Lyric: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / And they're like, 'It's better than yours.'"

    Kelis, "Milkshake," (Tasty, 2003)

 

 

Dinner (general):

  • Chicken, cheese. Lyric: “And then you look at your plate and your chickens slowly rottin'/Into something that looks like cheese”

    Sugarhill Gang, “Rappers Delight,” (Sugarhill Gang, 1979)  

 

  • Chicken, collard greens. Lyric: "It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens / Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens."

    Run-D.M.C., "Christmas in Hollis," (A Very Special Christmas, 1987)

 

  • Fried chicken, macaroni, collard greens. Lyric: "A heapin' helpin' of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and collard greens / Too big for my jeans."

    Goodie Mob, "Soul Food," (Soul Food, 1995)

 

  • Macaroni, peas, chicken. Lyric: “And the food just ain't no good/I mean the macaroni's soggy the peas are mushed/And the chicken tastes like wood”

    Sugarhill Gang, “Rappers Delight,” (Sugarhill Gang, 1979)  

 

 

Fish (and seafood):

 

 

 

 

  • Grouper. Lyric: "Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious Dociousaliexpifragalisticcalisuper / Cancun, catch me in the room, eating grouper."

    Ghostface Killah,"Buck 50," (Supreme Clientele, 2000)

 

 

 

  • Sardines. Lyric: "Born sinner, the opposite of a winner / Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner."

    Notorious B.I.G., "Juicy," (Ready to Die, 1994)

 

  • Scallops. Lyric: "And you do dinners at French Laundry in Napa Valley / Scallops and glasses of Dolce, that shit's right up your alley."

    Drake, "The Ride," (Take Care, 2011)

 

  • Shark meat, perch, tilapia. Lyric: "What you know 'bout shark meat, perch and tilapia?"

    Young Dro, "Grand Hustle Mafia," (Grand Hustle Presents: In da Streetz Volume 4; 2006)

 

 

Fruit:

 

Meat:

  • Fried chicken. Lyric: "Mmm, fried chicken, fly vixen / Give me heart disease but need you in my kitchen."

    Nas, "Fried Chicken," (Untitled, 2008)

 

 

 

  • Kobe beef. Lyric: "Tried to tell you not to fuck with these debutantes / That's more Kobe beef than Japanese restaurants."

    Talib Kweli, "Back Up Offa Me," (The Beautiful Struggle, 2004)

 

  • Steak. Lyric: “Don’t be good my ni**a, be great/ After that government cheese we eat steak.”

    Jay - Z, “F.U.T.W.,” (Magna Carta … Holy Grail, 2013)

 

Pasta:

 

Sandwiches:

 

Sauces (or toppings):

 

  • Hot sauce. Lyric: "Violation, that'll get ya ass knocked off / Texas Pete, ni**a get ya ass hot sauce."

    T.I., "Fuck Da City Up," (Fuck Da City Up, 2012)

 

  • Ketchup. Lyric: "Six-deuce every time, I never had the Heinz / Fifty-seven can't ketchup [catch up] to mines."

    Jay-Z, "Maybach Music 2,” (The Lost Verse)

 

  • Mayonnaise. Lyric: "Mayonnaise-colored Benz, I push Miracle Whips."

    Kanye West, "Last Call," (The College Dropout, 2004)

 

Sides:

  • Fries. Lyric: "Passenger's a redbone, her weave look like some curly fries.”

    Young Jeezy, "Put On," (The Recession, 2008)

 

Soup:

  • Lobster bisque. Lyric: "Am I really just a narcissist / Cause I wake up to a bowl of lobster bisque?"

    Rick Ross, "I Love My Bitches," (God Forgives, I Don't, 2012)

 

Vegetables:

  • Asparagus. Lyric: ”Blowin' on asparagus, the realest shit I ever smoked."

    Young Jeezy, "Put On," (The Recession, 2008)

 

  • Celery. Lyric: ”Pocket full of celery, imagine what she tellin' me.

    Young Jeezy, "Put On," (The Recession, 2008)

 

  • Collard greens. Lyric:"Falling back on that ass, with a hellafied gangsta lean / Getting funky on the mike, like a old batch of collard greens."

    Snoop Dogg, "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," (Dr. Dre's The Chronic, 1992)

 

WEIRD, ARTICLE

I Wanna Be the Free-est Man

I met a guy in Santa Barbara named Ken Loch. He may or may not have been homeless at the time. He kept a meticulous blog about the Tennissance. You see, the Tennissance is the ultimate mind / body confluence, a perfect melding of peak psychic powers with a mastery of physical motion, all embodied in the sport of tennis. I can't find the blog anymore, but his internet presence pops up every now and then on comment boards.

Ken Loch told me the next major advancement of the human race would come once enough people practiced the true technique of tennis, not that rinky-dink competition shit, but real tennis, which is meant to be a melding of tennis and yoga, sort of.

Anyone who's had an up-close encounter with religion or religious people can attest to the weird inverted freedom that comes from complete assuredness accompanied by unquestioning devotion. You wanna sit in a pew? Ken Loch is out there swingin' a racket! He's whacking a tennis ball with a tightly-wound thing specifically made for whacking tennis balls. His legs are pumping, his mind is focused; damn—he's a body in motion breathing air and sweating and pausing and then whacking that ball—inscape, know-whaddi-mean? He is a thing meant for hitting tennis balls.

No time to be the soft pink nugget of flesh encased in a car, a speeding mechanical insect, going from his house to his job and back again, he told me. He's a Tennissance man.

Tennissance forever.

WEIRD, FICTION/POETRY

Adult Sexy Oompa Loompa Costume With Wig

Oompa Loompa doompa-dee-doo

I've got a sexy puzzle for you

What do you wear when you need to look hot?

What will show off all the curves that you've got?

sexy-factory-worker-fs2749_1.jpg

Hiding your bod' is a crime and a shame

What do you ... arrrrgh ... unh!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT, MOTHER!!!!

YOU ARE THE ONE TO BLAME, DADDY!!!!!!

THIS IS NOT A "PHASE." IT IS MY LIFE. THESE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME.

WHEN I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME LAST YEAR, THEY WERE FUCKING THERE FOR ME.

JUST BECAUSE YOU FAILED AS A PARENT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE MISERABLE MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE!

BTW, I'VE MET THIS GREAT GUY.

HE REALLY UNDERSTANDS ME.

SOMETIMES, WE LIKE TO SWITCH THINGS UP.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CRAZY ROLE PLAY SHIT.

HERE'S A NICE PICTURE OF HIM.

HE HAD A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD.

BUT ANYWAY, I'M JUST WRITING THIS TO LET YOU KNOW I'VE COME TO ACCEPT WHO I TRULY AM.

THIS HAS BEEN REALLY HELPFUL AND THERAPEUTIC FOR ME. I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE IN MY LIFE FOREVER.

XOXOXOXOXOXO,
JENNICA